I wasn't awakened by a cry, just her squirms and grunts. I let it go for a minute, sometimes she'll just stay sleeping, but as it continued I got up and stood beside her bed and put a hand on her. it's amazing to me that sometimes that soothes her and she slips right back into a deep sleep-like-a-baby sleep. Not this time, she wanted released from the swaddle that was keeping her from kicking and swinging her sweet chubby little legs and arms. I pulled at it and she burst out like sunbeams around the clouds at days' beginnings and endings. Her stretch is so sweet, the way she purses her lips, arches her back, and slowly extends her fists as far as they reach while curling up her lower half. Then every piece of her seems to snap in the opposite direction like a rubber-band pulled too far. Her tightly closed eyes open up wide and she slowly blinks in her surroundings in the light as she settles into the cradle of my arms.
I can't get over how my arms are her most comfortable place, that of all the experienced mother arms that have held her in her not-even two months, my amateur arms are the ones she prefers. When she's fussing or fighting sleepiness in someone else's and is handed to me for calming, and it actually happens - I am her mom. And my heart swells. I fall even deeper in love. I marvel at how for so long all my most intense hopes and dreams and prayers were for myself, for my own future, but now my heart is outside my chest and the intensity of all those things are for her, my baby. I am growing into motherhood.
We settled in. Sometimes I'll start watching a show on the ipad to keep from falling asleep, but not this feeding. She's begun sleeping through the night this past week and I'm afraid that these sweet nighttime feedings will be gone all too quickly. This night studying her tiny features was enough to keep me wide awake. She started and stopped a lot tonight, but she seemed to get what she needed. I love it when she's not frantic for food and we can just take it slow. I love it when she's frantic for food too, and the sudden peace that falls over her whole body when she gets what she's crying for. We are really figuring this out, she communicates and I listen. She needs a little break, and we stop. She whimpers and I can tell that a burp is fighting it's way out, so we sit up. Her eyes get wide and her mouth too, and we wait for it to come. It does. I give a little cheer and praise her efforts, her patience. It's amazing how large and small things have become. This baby has laid me low and slowed me down in a wonderful way.
She often falls asleep eating, but tonight she just stopped, just pulled away and was finished. Her eyes were open wide and she just looked at me. I slightly stroked her cheek and she grinned so sweetly. She's smiling a little more each day. I stood up to rock her so we could return to bed, but she was alert. I tried to give her the pacifier, which usually induces sleep, but she refused it. We sat back down and I decided to just wait her out. In a few minutes she began to droop, her eyes, her face, her whole body was just relaxing. So I pulled her in tight, rubbed her forehead at her hairline, just like I've always loved, and began to sing. We've had the same song since her first week, and I mentally measure how long it takes her to fall asleep with it. Tonight she was out before the end, no fighting.
I hope I'll never forget how this feels. What a gift.
2 comments:
I started tearing up at this... I have a lot of the same feelings and experiences with my little boy... except the sleeping through the night thing! :)
My favorite post ever.
_beki
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