So Grandma Wallace is giving my cousin Brittany and I piano lessons, and tonight was the first one. I'm definitely going to love Thursday evenings from here on out.

Very seldom am I hit with an idea of something I'd like to blog about, but tonight my grandmother said something that made me rush to find a pen and paper to write it down, just so I wouldn't forget. What she said has been on my mind a lot lately...like for the last 5 months, at least and I wanna share it.

"It's ok to memorize it, but when it comes time to play harder music, you won't know what to do."

She was encouraging Brit to take it slowly and practice, to really learn to read music. But she was speaking a truth that hits me between the eyes. I've been realizing a lot about myself lately and doing some honest self-analysis.

One thing I'm admiting is that I've liked to take the easy way. It is so hard for me to slow down - to have patience. Another thing... I've been competitive. I've got a pride issue that makes it tough for me to admit loss. And one more...image has meant a lot to me. These less than ideal, but no less real characteristics have created some bondage that has reaked some havoc on my spritual life.

I didn't realize it then, but now I see that I had a crazy idea that this image thing was a competition and that I needed to do whatever it took to have the image. I probably justified this with the fact that the image I wanted was that of a godly woman. Things have been pretty easy for me my whole life and I've had great examples, so adopting pieces of every godly woman I met as my own was no problem. I was on my way. Sadly though...I was heading etirely in the wrong direction.

I knew the answers to the questions. But I didn't know how to ask questions, and I was shallow. I wanted to take control and memorize everything, an impossible task, instead of learning how seek and let the One who is everything show me just what He wanted to in His perfect time. I wanted to have all the knowlege and the image, without putting in the practice or the devotion. And when the tough stuff came, I didn't know what to do. I turned somewhere else, but that flopped in the most painful and humbling way. And that was the attention-getter.

I don't want to be considered a silly girl. I want to have deep conversations with others about meaningful stuff, real stuff. I want to read the books and search the Scriptures. I don't want second-hand knowledge. But I don't want it to be about how I look or sound to everyone else. More than deep and authentic relationship with other people, I want it to be about a deep and authentic relationship with my Father. And so does He!

So...thanks grandma. I've finally said part of what's been eating at me for awhile. Just part...